Well... what can I say the last few days have been ... well...not so nice! The picture to the left is an older one that I had... but this is what i've been up too - sleeping with ma puppy.

So let's start where we left off... I believe my last entry was on Thursday. 

On Friday the chemo starts to really kick the crap out of me... I wanted to fight it.. I wanted to beat it but dang that stuff is evil and it definitely won! I was tired and could not keep anything in my system.  Saturday was much the same to the point where by Sat evening I found myself in Emergency.

Upon arriving they gave me the "mask" so that others would not infect me - the wait wasn't too painful and they had me in and hooked up getting fluids as I was dehydrated. They also gave me something for the nausea... I fell asleep and was released the following morning ( Sunday at 7AM ).

Sunday wasn't much better... I spent the day in bed drinking as much as I possibly could...  I also made sure that I was eating as I know it's important -  Monday was much the same... it was a rough day at work I can tell you that much!

Tuesday I started to feel better - still quite tired but the nausea started to go away ( still there but alot less intense ). I had my appointment at the Chilliwack hospital to get my picc line dressing changed and I stopped in at work to pick up my new laptop and visit ma friends. It was so nice seeing everyone - as much as I like working from home I do miss my friends/co-workers. I hope to go in at least once a week providing this Chemo doesn't get worse! I may make it every other week... none the less I miss my friends!

As for today I'm still not keeping anything in my system for long but at least I'm not feeling as horrible as I had been... I also have these hot/cold flashes... I told Adam that he should probably shoot me before I start menopause as I'm sure he will want to soon after with the amount of whining I was doing - it really is quite unbearable (Ok maybe not but I didn't like it one bit ) :P

Ohhh yeah - my moment of weakness - don't like to talk about these but they happen and I said I was sharing my journey the good the bad so on...  so here goes :P -

Can't remember which day it was but I woke up and was really feeling sorry for myself - I didn't feel well at all and I was tired ( I know excuses ... excuses eh? ) but I cried ... and cried and could not stop. I was angry at being sick, I was angry at god for making me sick - I just wanted to feel better and it really didn't feel at that moment that I would. I had this horrible notion that I would stay sick for the duration of my chemo.

At times when I let myself I have moments where I feel defeated like I just can't take it anymore... So much has happened in such a short amount of time it seems hard to digest it all - Then I remember all those that love me and are supporting me and I wipe my tears and know that I have to move on. I tell myself there is no time for this crap and move on with my day! Sometimes it takes Adam to snap me out of it... or a snuggle in bed with Courteney ... I know that I WILL beat this... I know that I am strong although at times.. I just need to remind myself or have those that love me remind me...

Well.. that's all for tonight folks - it's bath time! ( Love my baths! )

Nighters <3

Howdy... let me start by saying yesterday was more eventful than I would have liked...

I woke up started my normal routine ( well what is now normal ) breakfast , pills.. etc. Then I noticed that my picc line was leaking. I called the magic number they gave me and they said to head to the hospital emerge... I still had the chemo pump on so the were concerned that it was the chemo leaking out.

So I messaged a few friends to see who was off and Phil offered to take me down to the hospital ( ty Phil .. if you even read this geesh :P ) none the less... We get there and i'm standing in line "VERY" ok .. maybe not very patiently but I was waiting none the less. I was next in line and the nurse says "I'm just going to take the lady to the right of you first"  Ummmm that's when I got a little upset as I don't think it's fair because I wasn't a senior citizen nor did I have blood coming out of any of my appendages that she assume that my emergency room visit was any less important. So I stood my ground.. let her know that I was "EVERY" bit as important and that I would be keeping my place in line. She didn't argue and took my information and then I was off to nurse two to be assesed and triaged.

The triage nurse was very nice I must say and treated me with urgency and even got me to the chemo nurse in Ambulatory care so I didn't have to wait in emerge to see a doctor ( very nice of her ).
As I was sitting waiting to speak to the nurse again she had a look at my picc line and called Abbotsford Cancer Clinic - They requested that I come there instead of Chilliwack.  So Phil kindly drove me all the way to Abby.

I really hadn't been feeling so well all day and the travelling only made me feel worse... The nurses changed the bandages on my picc line and took off my Chemo pump - theye didn't think it was chemo leaking out of the picc line as generally they said that woudl crystalize and this had not. So that was a good thing.

So we finally get to leave the hospital and I think I am going home to nap because I still feel so horrible... but just as i'm about to... yup you guessed it more leaking - So I called the "magic" number and they asked that I come to Abby hospital once again...  So this time Lori was nice enough to take me where they changed the dressing again added some patting to soak up any leakage and stated that I may need to go back in the morning ( today ). I am thankful when they called the leaking had stopped from what I could see and I didn't have to go in.

These last few days have been very tiring and I have felt very nauseous which I don't like.. good news is I'm able to get lots of rest and no puking thus far...

Well all i'm off to go relax I didn't want you to miss out on my amazing journey over the last few days... So I stayed up ALL THIS EXTRA time... to ensure you got it.. ( ok i'm totally lying but none the less off the pc I go hahahah )

Have a nice night all *Hugs* :)

What was Chemo like?

Day one of Chemo what can I say…. The morning started out rougher then I had planned was up super early and felt super emotional about the day I had coming.

So my day started with a call to Adam as I knew he would make me feel better and offer me some encouraging words… and make me laugh as he always does. 

Well that worked for a little while until I started getting ready… then I started the sobbing again... This time Court cheered me up with a cuddle in her bed J

I am truly so blessed to have family, friends, work, nurses and doctors who are supporting me through this don’t know what I would do without you all in my life J

So now that I’m talking about all that sappy cry baby stuff let me tell you about the rest of my day and my Chemo! :P

Chemo ( Pictures below )

First thing in the morning Ingrid came to pick me up and we headed to Abbotsford Cancer Clinic – we had to get there early as I needed to have blood work done prior…. They forgot to mention that it would be not one simple vile but instead nine of them.. woah!  They also were a bit confused with one of the test as its part of the “Trial study” I’m in and needed to be shipped via air within 6 hours to somewhere in the US – so that was a lot of phone calls prior to the blood being taken so they could figure it out.

Once that was done we headed up for Chemo – with a brief stop at the gift shop where Ingrid bought me a beautiful cancer bracelet (we got matching ones).

So once upstairs my appointment was scheduled for 10:30 but they didn’t call me in until almost 11L30 or just before…. Then the nurse had to change my picc line bandages … she seemed less than impressed to have to do it as they had scheduled a triage nurse to come up and do it and she never showed until I was well underway with my chemo.

I had Ingrid taking picture of the procedures yesterday but I think what surprised me the most was the big red “Hazard” buckets and the full mask and gowns the nurses wear when dealing with the drug… Kind of scared me a little :P – Once that was done is was time for chemo drug number one… that last about 20 minutes - Then number two which lasted 2 hours – once that was done – number one again for 20 minutes – then number 3 for 15 – then time to hook up my pump ( picture below ) to take home and have one for 46 hours.

While I was getting Chemo Ingrid and I played some crib – had lots of healthy snacks…and I kept myself hydrated with Gatorade. I was more bored then tired and was very happy when Ingrid went down to the gift shop and got the cribbage board which will now stay in my chemo bag she got me (a nice big bag to keep all the things I take to chemo with me)

Once we were done we headed home with a brief stop at Walmart to pick up a few things as well as a stop to pick up dinner - Heather came by to watch movies and have dinner with us.. .during the movie we all fell asleep (myself, Adam and Heather lol) I guess we were all tired.

And that was my day… today I’m feel ok so far a bit nauseous ( the pills helped ) and feeling tired but other than that I’m good – Ohhh and I also cannot eat anything cold ( I know Tam NO ICE .. grrr ) but I’ll survive that … I went to drink a juice box from the fridge last night and it truly felt that my throat was closing in ( that’s one of the side effects ) I didn’t think it would be “THAT” bad… and ohhh it was lol. Lesson learned VERY quickly (no more cold food/drinks).

That’s it for today folks.. stay tuned for more J Love ya’s!

This is the Chemo Pump that I take home with me.

This is my Chemo pouch - it holds my chemo pump the 46hr one)

This is my nurse... All suited up eeek :P

Hazard bucket.... eek :/

All suited up throwing stuff in "Hazard" bucket - eeek lol.

Well... today wad picc line day.. Everything went smoothly! The nurse actually said that I was the "perfect patient" - I know some of you may find that hard to believe... but it's true lol! :)

 I can honestly say that I didn't expect quite the procedure that it was.. I envisioned it more like an IV and it was quite a bit different.

 When I got there I gowned up... and was prepped for what seemed like a mini surgery. The nurse sterilized the area and made Heather wear a mask and asked that she not touch anything "green" - I was lying in the bed ( as you can see from the pic below... Then she froze my arm and started the insertion (they cut a tiny hole into me to insert it).

They also used a machine/program called "Sherlock" to ensure that the picc line was heading in the right direction - once she knew it was in the right spot it was off to x-ray to have a radiologist have a look. The whole procedure took about an hour and they book the appointment for approximately 4 hours ( in case of complications ).

 I'm doing ok…but I do have to say when the freezing came out it was a little tender (but not enough for meds).

I also attended "Chemo teach" which I felt was unneeded... They basically tell you how to eat and be healthy during Chemo and repeated information I already knew from reading the pamphlets and the info online.

My appointment with the oncologist went well... he thinks that I’ll be more nauseous then most ( not sure why cause I don’t plan on being sick ) but none the less he prescribed three different anti-nausea meds…

 Tomorrow’s the big day (first chemo treatment) 10:30AM – so I am off to bed… g’night all J.

All about today.. and what's coming.. 

Well today was all about puppy and I ... gave me alot of time to think about what's coming up...

Some of you may know that I opted to join a "Clinical Trial Group". I am the first one to be in this group from the lower mainland but it has been going on for quite some time in other countries and provinces.

I had to fill out forms to ensure I met the criteria... "Stage 3" was one of them along with the size of the tumor as well as had lymph nodes test positive - I'm sure there was other criteria but I really don't remember ( yes I'm horrible at listening, hence the reason I love having someone with me at all times... I tend to stay focused on w/e scared me and the rest goes out the window) 

The just of the clinical trial is to see if they can give you less sessions of chemo and still have the same effect... along with a new drug they are testing that helps with the adverse affects that chemo has such as numbing of the finger tips and toes. It has been very successful thus far and to be honest.. I would prefer to have less chemicals in my body.

So how it works is your name gets put into a computer program that randomizes you into one of four groups.  The groups are A:  6 months with the new drug B: 6 months with a placebo ( a pill that looks like the new drug but really is nothing but a sugar pill ) C: 3 months with the new drug and D: 3 months with a placebo.

The clinic called and let me know that I was in group C or D ( that's the most they can tell you ) so I know i'm only getting 3 months of chemo providing all goes well.

They will also be watching me very closely - which means some extra appointments, which in all honesty I don't mind at all :)

What's coming up?

Tomorrow I have very very full day - Heather will be here to pick me up first thing in the morning...

 I start at the Cancer clinic first thing in the morning with the insertion of my pic line. This is a line that will be kept in me for the duration of my Chemo. I'm not sure what to expect fully but they say it's not painful and can take up to 4 hours.

Once that is done I make my way up to "Chemo Teach" this is where I assume they teach you about the chemo machine that I will be taking home. With the Chemo i'm getting I go to the hospital and spend 4 hours getting chemo and then I go home with a small machine that continues to inject into my system for 46 hours.

Once I am done with that I see my Oncologist for my appointment and finally get to go home and rest.

The following day ( Tuesday Feb 21st ) I get my first dose of Chemo... If I said I wasn't scared i'd be lying.. The fear of the unknown... Will I be sick? Will I lose my hair? Will I lose my nails? No one knows and really no one can predict - everyone is different.

I will tell you this... I don't want to be sick that is my one wish. If my hair falls out so be it... it will grow back.. if my nails fall out ( gross ) but I will survive it. But I really don't like being sick so I have to keep a positive attitude and just not LET IT HAPPEN! I am the boss of me... and I say who what where and when... and I say NO! SO HA!

Anyhow that's my update for today... stay tuned for tomorrow night - I know I still owe you all a timeline for Feb - Michelle is working on it geesh.. give the girl a break she's busy you know! :P
She keeps all my dates for me.. and has since this started... I could not have done a Jan timeline without her! <3 you Mich!

So ... until we meet again nighty night :)

January Timeline:

Hospitals... and more Hospitals!

January 5^th – Went to Chilliwack Hospital with Abdominal pain for the millionth time ( or so it really felt like it). They kept me in a private room in emerge... they ran some tests and did a CT.

January 8^th - Told I had large mass in my Colon – Already wrote about this date…Not wanting to do it again so I’m not.  My blog my rules :D

January 8^th – Adam arrived in Chilliwack to be by my side through this… Did I mention yet just how much I love this man  J

January 9^th -Colonoscopy & Moved to the lounge (see picture of my room  ... it was pretty fancy. In the words of Michelle … “Club Med” J

January 10^th - Told your surgery would be on Friday the 13th… Really Friday the 13^th??? I think my luck is pretty sucky at this point and to have my surgery on “Friday the 13^th was my confirmation of that! Ohhh and they found a spot on my lungs during the CT scan (It turned out to be nothing thank goodness... don’t think I could deal with more bad news)

January 11^th - Suspected Morphine Overdose… This day was almost as scary as the day they told me I had cancer… It’s right up there with the scariest days of my life... You see if you don’t already know this about me… one of my biggest fears in life is death… I’m not ready nor do I want to die. God knows this because I remind him all the time. I love him… just not ready to meet him just yet!

So let me tell you about this day… some I don’t quite remember but I’ll tell you what I’ve been told and what I remember… At about 7AM Adam tried waking me up and I would not wake up… I was due for my meds and he knew that I should have been up and feeling pain by this point. He said he kept trying to wake me up and was getting quite scared.. He said I finally woke up and stated I had to go to the washroom … I got up and went.  When I was done I lied back down on the couch and he once again tried to wake me up and I would not wake up… This is when he went to get the nurse – she tried waking me and I would not wake.  I finally came to somewhat and they started asking me questions… all of which I could not answer appropriately – Adam said my voice was just barely a slur/whisper and I was going in and out of consciousness.

My vitals were not good – I would tell you what they were but I honestly don’t remember what they/Adam told me. I just know … it wasn’t good.  This is when they gave me the “Narcan” – Let me just say real quick they were supposed to give me a half a dose… and they accidently gave me the “full dose”.  Adam said I went from being out to sitting straight up… and this is the part I remember (at least parts of it).

I felt the worst burning through my body that I have ever felt – I was convinced I was dying and was screaming just that “I’m dying – I’m dying” over and over. I remember focusing on Adam and asking him why he was letting them kill me (or something to that effect). Talk about saying the most horrible thing to the man you love -  The one who has stood by me through this and the one I know will be there for me through thick and thin for all time. He is truly my soul mate!

As the burning continued through my body,  I started vomiting ( stop ready if you get ill quickly because it gets pretty nasty ) – I don’t know where this vomit was coming from but I can tell you that the smell was like “death” it was horrible.. So horrible all of the attending nurses and Adam left the room – Leaving just one nurse in the room holding a puke tray that was now full… and no one left to give nurse Dean a new one… It was horrible sooo horrible. Once I had finally quit being sick… this is when they said I had to just sleep the effects off… They got me to the bed and wrapped me in about 6 hot sheets and I went to sleep. When I woke up… I was a bit shaken from the whole experience… scared and confused.

The one thing I did soon after I woke up was apologize to those I was mean to during the ordeal. I yelled at one of the nurses to “not touch me” and poor nurse Dean who got stuck with me…

I went off to find the nurse and I said “I’m really sorry for yelling at you… this really isn’t in my character – I was just really afraid and I thought I was going to die” – This is when she replied with “We thought you were going to die too” – Ohhhhh well that made me feel so much better ( not ).

I’m sure I’ve missed parts... but that was the just of my Narcan day from MY perspective. I’m sure Adam would have a different view… I definitely put him through a lot in a very short amount of time. I’m thankful he has a very supportive family – his mom has been just amazing through all of this!

January 11^th - Had second CT of lungs to check spot ( It was clear )

January 13^th - Colon Surgery

Scared, Nervous, Anxious – you name it… I was. I tried to make it seem like it was no big deal but I was so scared… As stated above one of my biggest fears is death – I was afraid I would go in and never come out. But guess what… if you haven’t figured it out I’m here :P I’m typing my journey and things went really well!

January 13^th – Quit smoking – I will never smoke again – Sad that it took Cancer to make me realize I didn’t need them L

January 15^th- Hemoglobin Low- Doc said if it didn’t go up that they would need to give me a blood transfusion. Well it didn’t go up by much but it did and they decided I would not need the transfusion… instead they would just watch and ensure it was going up everyday J

January 15^th - Adam went back to Winnipeg – Blah day.

January 16^th – Started having a lot of pain near my incision and the right side of my stomach looked like I had a huge lump in it… As the day progressed the lump got bigger and my pain intensified… by that evening it had gotten much worse and my favorite nurse “Marlene” was on shift… She gave me some additional pain meds and called down to see if they could have a doctor look at me.  I called Adam on the phone – I was scared as I knew something wasn’t right. The pain was so bad and the lump now looked like more of a soccer ball on the right sight of my stomach. They brought an ultrasound to my room and tried to figure out what was going on. They thought that I had fluid building as it turns out it was my “guts” for lack of a better term! My stiches on the inside had come apart… I was scheduled for an emergency surgery the next day.

January 17^th -Surgery #2 to repair the stitching on the inside… This is when I got the “retention” stiches. I was a lot less mobile after the second surgery.

January 20^th - Found out biopsy results- cancer had spread to some lymph nodes. This is when I found out I was “Stage 3” – Not the news I wanted but I will say that my surgeon did set me up for it. He did tell me that this was a very likely possibility – I just wanted to believe that it had not spread and after the surgery I would be free and clear (as clear as I could be).  I could feel the tears rolling down my face… but I almost felt emotionless... Like I was frozen – then my mind started going 300 miles an hour.

January 23^rd - Surgeon wanted to release me… I asked if I could stay an extra day.  Yes I did – as much as I didn’t want to be there I wanted to be sure I was ready to handle the pain meds on my own at home. Up to this point I had been receiving meds via intervenes - They started me on Hydromorphone (Dilaudid) orally.

January 24^th - Released from hospital and Adam arrives again! YAY! J

January 27^th - Had an appointment with my family doctor to get some of my staples out! This is when I was sitting in the chair waiting for her to write me prescription… I started feeling really hot… My vision started blurring... I remember looking at the doctor and saying “I don’t feel so good” – Next thing I recall I was on the floor in the office… motionless looking up – I couldn’t speak but or move but I was aware of what was going on around me.

I could hear my doctor on the phone with 911 saying “we don’t have a pulse” – All I could think of was… “Ohhh yes I do have a pulse I’m right here I’m alive” – but couldn’t say nothing or move… I came too shortly before the ambulance got there they gave me cool cloths and a drink… When the ambulance got there my vitals once again weren’t so good… Back I went to the Hospital via ambulance to the ER – They observed me for the day and gave me shot of “Atrophen” At least that’s what I think it was called…later that evening they sent me home stating it was probably Vagal nerve (Vagus). My doctor thought that my vagal nerve fighter flight response kicked in from the trauma over the last month.

January 28^th – Well... I thought I was on the road to recovery. I was sitting in my bed watching the “NHL Skills Competition” Adam was building my cabinet and Lacey was playing on her IPOD (Court was at work). As I was sitting there in my bed I could feel the exact same feeling – Adam/Lacey called 911 and I was heading back to the ER via ambulance. Fainting spells continued and my vitals would dip when I had the spells. They did some tests and put on antibiotics via IV for an infection. ( when my blood work came back my counts were off which told them I had some kind of infection ).

January 29^th- Admitted to hospital ECG’s and CT scan done- no known reason for fainting known.  Doctor Fitzpatrick believes they are “Post surgery trauma” – Essentially he said it’s my body’s way of taking rests from everything I’ve gone through in a very short amount of time.

I am still getting these spells intermittently but they are spread out and not near as often… which I am very thankful for. My vitals no longer change when I have them as I believe I have learned to somewhat control them…

January 31^st - Released from hospital and Adam leaves :( Happy Birthday to my mommy – my angel in heaven looking down and taking care of me!

So that’s my January… Quite the month to say the least!

I had so much support through this month and I thank all of you for being there for me… I have typed a lot today so I’m going to do a page of just thank you’ s at a later time… HEY DON’T BE MEAN I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE THINKING! I SAID I WOULD GET TO IT GEESH! :P

After I called Adam I started to tell my closest friends... to be honest I know it's only been a month but I cannot even remember how I did it... Did I call? Did I text? Did I send them a message on facebookk... I really cannot tell you...

It all seems like a blur... a nightmare that I so desperately wish I could wake up from...

Two of the things I remember most was telling my girls... I knew it would scare them... because it scared me.. and although I was trying to be strong it was all still so new... I was going to wait until I had more information to tell them but I knew if Courteney found out that I kept this from her... she would be really hurt and upset... So Heather went to pick her up from work... and that is when I had to look into my eldest daughter's eyes and tell her I had Cancer...

Very emotional to say the least... As stated above the information was new to me... I was still in shock... almost in a daze..I cannot remember if we walked around the hospital talking that day... or another day.. but we walked and talked and cried. You have to keep in mind that for the last two years it's been myself and Court and as strong as she pretends to be... I needed to pretend to be even stronger.. I'm her mom... i'm suppose to be her rock and I never want that role to be reversed.

I chose not to tell Lacey right away... I wanted to have more information. When I knew more... I asked Darcy and Andrea ( the girls father and his girlfriend of many years ) to bring Lacey to the Hospital. I wanted them there with her so she felt supported by all of us... Darcy and Andrea agreed and brought Lacey... that too was an emotional day... Lacey hugged me and I could tell she had alot of things running through her mind... She cried.. I cried... and although I know there was other people there... I cannot tell you who...

Like I said before alot of this.. is a blur to me. So much happend in such a short amount of time.. that I feel like im writting someone else's journey and I was only there for part of it...

Maybe the drugs.. maybe just my own safety net .. who knows :)

Adam and I in the Hospital :)



My ball Team! Had alot of visits from them while I was in.. Love these girls!



Me and my baby girl :)

Ma Friends :)

Phil and Lindsay :)



Me and my daughter Court <3 Love her to bits!




Me and ma besties... Heather and Michelle :)



I think we all know who is most loved in this pic.. GO LAMBCHOPS :)

Taylor and Court in ma bed... move over i'm squished!

w000t Amazing cupcakes from Marlaina :)

My room was the lounge.. lack of rooms = awesome for me :)

Well... i'm starting late but this is my blog and my journey with Cancer...

On Thursday January 5th...I once again made my way to the Chilliwack Hospital with abdominal pain... Keep in mind this has been going on for just about two years. I have seen my family dr a number of times along with a gastronologist... Needless to say no one could figure out was was wrong with me. The latest diagnosis from my family doc was "IBS"... 

Although this day was diffrent then the rest.. the DR didn't just give me pain meds and send me home.. he ran test.. ultrasounds.. and ordered a CT scan ( keep in mind here that I had a CT scan about 6 months prior as well ).

I spent that night in Emergency in a small private room at the back of the ward.. and was rolled off for my CT the next morning...

Once the CT was done I had an intern come in and ask me about my family history... and she just started posing "ALOT" of questions which I thought was odd... but I was happy they were trying to figure this out for me..

At this point I still didn't know anything but had begun to worry as everyone seemed "ALOT" more compationate towards me.. I don't find ER staff very compationate .. just for the record. Those nurses and dr's put up with alot on a daily basis and want to fix you and get you out.. no time for mr/mrs nice guy/girls.

They admited me to the third floor where they said I would be staying for investigation.. ( I'm sure they knew at this point about the tumor/mass )...

On Sunday January 8th .. is when I heard the news. I can just remember staring blankly at the Dr when he grabbed my shoulder ( much like you see in the movies when a DR is about to deliver bad news ) he then said... We found a mass on the CT scan that's about the size of a baby's head.. He proceeded to tell me that he was almost certain it was Colon Cancer.. that there may be a 1 in a million chance that it was not... Needless to say I was very upset... We talked for a bit and he then left the room so I could compose myself and contact family.

I picked up my phone... and called Adam.